English Jokes Part 1
Hell's not so bad
One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he meets a demon. Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?" Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!" Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?" Guy: "Sure, I love to drink." Demon:" Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more." Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"
Demon: "You a smoker?" Guy: "You better believe it." Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!" Guy: "Golly!" Demon: "I bet you like to gamble." Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do." Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it." Guy: "Wow."
Demon: "You like to do drugs?" Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..." Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"
Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place! "Demon: "You gay?" Guy: "Uh, no." Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."
Three engineers in a car
There are three engineers in a car: An electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occured. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion: "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work!?"
Brakes
There was an engineer, manager, and a programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowly avoiding careening off the cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.
The manager said: "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through process of continuous improvement, develop a solution."
The engineer said: "No that would take too long, besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."
The programmer said: "I think your both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."
The engineer in hell
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says: "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer: "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." >
God replies: "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says: "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says: "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
The electrical engineer on the electrical chair
It was a busy day for the electric chair. Today, three men were up for the juice. The first man was a political scientist. He was strapped into the chair and asked if he had any final comments. He replied: "I had a promising career in politics until...I was framed, I tell you, framed!" His tirade was interrupted by the flick of the switch, but nothing happened.
As it was the custom at this particular prison, the man was taken from the chair and allowed to live after the failed execution attempt.
The second man was a computer scientist. His final words were: "I had a promising career in computing, but I didn't think that tampering with the national air traffic control system would crash THAT many planes..." Again, the electrical switch was flipped and again nothing happened. The man was released from the chair and allowed to live.
The third man was an electrical engineer. He was strapped into the chair and asked if he had any final words. He said: "I had a promising career as an electrical engineer, but, you know, if you will cross that red wire over there with that blue wire, this thing will work."
Physics quiz
A physics professor asks four students: "What is the fastest thing in the world?" The first guy says: "The mind, it can make tons of thoughts a sec"!!! The second one says: "The blink of an eye, its so fast you cant even see it " The third one says: "The light ,it has a speed of 300000 miles per sec!!"
The last one says: "diarrhea... yesterday I ate too much... man.. I didn't had time to think , I didn't had time to blink and I didn't had time to turn the light on...
God's an engineer
Three engineers were having lunch one day and got into a theological discussion. The electrical engineer said: "Well, God has to be an electrical engineer. Look at the nervous system, how well it works." "No way," said the chemical engineer, "God must be a chemical engineer. Look at how well the circulatory system works."
"You're both wrong," said the civil engineer, "Who but a civil engineer would take a great recreation area and put a sewer line through it?"
The deserted engineer
A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island. Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under some palm trees.
One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared. "I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?" "Yes, I was," he answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?"
"Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man. "There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools.
But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter." "To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said. "Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked. The engineer nodded. She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a Palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
"It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said: "Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?" "No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!" "It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas." Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked: "Tell me, have you always had a beard?" "No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island." "Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."
The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered - not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom - and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.
"You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable." As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.
"Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely... is there anything that you really, really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right now!" "Yes there is!" the man replied, shrugging off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just...well, it was impossible." "Well, it's not impossible, any more!" the woman said.
The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You mean you actually figured out some way we can check our e-mail?"
The engineer and programmer
A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Programmer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.
He explains 'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.' Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says 'OK, If you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you 50!'
This catches the Engineer's complete attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the earth to the moon?' The Engineer doesn't say a word, reaches in to his wallet, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the Programmer. Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer: 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress.Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks, 'Well, so what IS the answer?' Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer $5 and goes back to sleep.
The engineer's dictionary
Major Technological Breakthrough - Back to the drawing board.
Developed after years of intensive research - It was discovered by accident.
Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties - We are working on something else.
The designs are well within allowable limits - We just made it, stretching a point or two.
Customer satisfaction is believed assured - We are so far behind schedule that the customer was happy to get anything at all from us.
Close project coordination - We should have asked someone else; or, let's spread the responsibility for this.
The design will be finalized in the next reporting period - We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.
A number of different approaches are being tried - We don't know where we're going, but we're moving.
Test results were extremely gratifying - It works, and are we surprised!
Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem - We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while.
Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive - The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
The entire concept will have to be abandoned - The only guy who understood the thing quit.
Modifications are underway to correct certain minor difficulties - We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.
The speaking frog and the engineer
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said: "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The Frog spoke up again and said: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The man took the frog out, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket. Finally, the frog asked: "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want.Why won't you kiss me?"
The man said: "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
Microsoft engineers
Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Bill Gates simply declares darkness the new industry standard.
50 penguins
A policeman stops a lorry and says to the driver: "Your driving licence, please." The driver shows his licence. The policeman asks: "What cargo do you transport?"
The driver answers "Penguins! 50 penguins." - "What??!!!?? Penguins??? I can't believe that. Please show me your - penguins!" - "No problem", says the driver, gets off and opens the back door - and really: 50 penguins are looking at the policeman!! He can't believe what he sees: "Eh ... and ... and where are you driving with the penguins?"
"Well, I don't know yet." - "If I was you, I would drive them to the zoo immediately!" - "Yes, I really should do that. This is a good idea. Thank your very much, constable", says the driver, closes the back door and drives to the zoo with his penguins.
The next day the policeman sees the same lorry again, stops it and asks the driver: "What do you transport today?" - "Well, 50 penguins." - "Oh no, not again! ... but didn't you to take them to the zoo as I told you yesterday?" - "Yes, of course we have been there. It was nice in the zoo, but today we are going to the cinema."
A true anecdote about Neil Armstrong...
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.
Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
The old couple
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks: "Where are you going?" He replies: "To the kitchen."
She asks: "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies: "Sure."
She then asks him: "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says: "No, I can remember that."
She then says: "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that." He says: "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replies: "Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he says: "I don't need to write that down. I can remember that."
He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says: "You forgot my toast."
Einstein
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speakers' circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."
Einstein laughed laudly and said: "Why not? Let's do it!"
When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.
Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said: "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
The italian who went to london
(must be read with an Italian accent)
One day ima gonna London to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go to eat breakfirst. I tella waitress I wanna two piss toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no anderstand, I wanna to piss on my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.
Later I go to eat at the bigger restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tell her I wonna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wonna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch.
I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you." I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.
Pinocchio
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters whenever they had sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him: "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied: "Who needs a girlfriend?
The sailor and the priest
The sailor and the priest were playing golf. The sailor was not very good at it, and uttered a loud "F***, missed!" each time he missed. The priest tolerated him for a few minutes and couldn't take it no more.
"Do not swear thus, my friend, or God will punish you".
It didn't make a difference, the sailor continued unabated. One after another, the sailor played badly, and followed up with "F***, missed!!".
Again, the priest said "Do not utter such profanities, or God will show you a sign".
It didn't help, and the next stroke missed was followed by a loud "F***, missed!!". A bolt of lightning dropped out of the clouds and struck the priest dead. A voice was heard in the clouds "F***, missed!!!".
Divorced barbie
A guy was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it is his daughter's birthday and that he hasn't bought her anything. Out the corner of his eye he sees a shopping mall. Knowing it was "now or never", he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking space and runs into the mall. After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of a shop assistant.
When asked what he would like, he simply says "a Barbie doll". The shop assistant looks at him in the particularly condescending manner that only shop assistants can muster up and asks "Which Barbie would that be, sir?"
The man looks surprised so the assistant continues "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Night Clubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00"
The man can't help himself and asks "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the other Barbies are selling for $19.95?" "That's obvious!" says the assistant, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ....
Bill clinton in hell
Bill Clinton died and went to hell. When he got there, Satan greeted him and told him that he would be there for all eternity, but that he got to select the type of punishment he would receive.
Satan escorted him around and they came to a room where Newt Gingrich was stretched out on a rack, screaming in agony as the wheel was turned. Clinton said: "Nope, I don't think I'd like that kind of punishment." So they went on to the next room.
There they found Bob Dole, tied to a long pole and suspended over a large tub of raw sewage. He was lowered into the tank until completely submerged. After a few minutes he was lifted out of the tank, gasping and fighting for breath. As soon as he got his breath back, he was lowered again. "Uh-uh!," said Clinton. "That's not for me."
Finally they came to a room where Kenneth Starr was hanging from the wall by his thumbs. His pants were down around his ankles, and Monica Lewinsky was performing oral sex on him.
Clinton said: "Okay! If I have to be punished forever, I'll go for that way!"
Satan said to Clinton: "Fine....Then that will be your punishment for the next billion years. And to Monica he said: "Your replacement is here."
The bill on the willie
A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his willie. The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this.
The man replies: "I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now".
So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill on his penis. So, he tells the man that he really needs to know the reason why and says that the man can keep the $1000 he would have paid for the tatoo if he would just tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his willie.
So, the man consents and offers these three reasons: "First, I like to play with my money. Second, I like to watch my money grow. And third, and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can stay home to do it!
The better therapy
The Queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my God", said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?" The Doctor leading the tour explains; "I am sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that 5 times a day, they'll explode, and he would die instantly. "Oh, I am sorry", said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient oral sex. "Oh my God", said the Queen, "what's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied: "Same problem, better health plan."
The two little boys
The two little boys are sitting in the living room watching TV with their parents. The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward upstairs. The father "gets" the message and they both get up and head upstairs.
The mother turns to the two boys and says: "We're going upstairs for a minute, you stay here and watch TV; we'll be back, OK?" The two little boys nod OK and the parents take off upstairs.
The oldest of the two boys is old enough to know what's going on so he tip-toes upstairs. At the top of the stairs he peeks into his parents bedroom and shakes his head.
Back downstairs he goes. He says to his brother: "Come with me!" and the two little brothers tip-toe upstairs. Half-way up, the older brother turns to his younger brother and says: "Now I want you to keep in mind, this is the same woman who used to bust our ass for sucking our thumb!!!!"
Technically speaking: no sex
Hillary and Chelsea are sitting around the table having a mother/daughter talk. Hillary says to Chelsea: "You have been going to college for a while now. Have you had sex yet?"
Chelsea says: "Well, not according to Dad."
Blind pilots
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.
At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"
Costume party
A guy goes to a costume shop and says "I'm going to a costume party as Adam and I need a fig leaf." The girl brings out a fig leaf. He says: "Not big enough." She brings out a bigger one. He says: "Still not big enough." She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says: "Still not big enough."
She says: "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"
Viagra
Overheard conversation between 2 physicians on a flight: Had a phone call from a colleague says he had just heard from a very chuffed elderly patient who's young wife had had a baby a few days ago. Claims Viagra worked so well that the child could walk erect after only just 2 days of having been born.
Nagging women
What a woman says: "This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean, Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!"
What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
The perfect pet
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog. The man replies: "Come on, a dog?" The owner says: "How about a cat?" The man replies: "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!" The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says: "I've got it! A centipede!" The man says: "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede."
He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede: "Clean the kitchen." Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede: "Go clean the living room." Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered. The man thinks to himself: "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"
Next he says to the centipede: "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper." The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no centipede. By this point the man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later... still no centipede! He can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede?
So he goes to the front door, opens it ... and there's the centipede sitting right outside. The man says: "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!" The centipede says: "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"
Buying grades
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.
Simple math problem
A business man was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question: "What is two and two?" The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two." The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001. The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commr of Stamp Duties, two and two was proven to be four.
The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him: "How much is two and two?" The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice.... "How much do you want it to be?" He got the job.
Superman
Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. The first man turns to the other and says: "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The second guy says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen." "No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke.""No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.
Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the hell," the second guy says, "it works, I'll try it!" He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors... and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker, saying: "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."
The seaman and the pirate
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as me men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off". "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?" "Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut me hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch?" "A seagull dropping fell into me eye", replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Well..." said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."
The amish lady in the buggy
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.
"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy." "Oh, I' ll tell my husband, Jacob, as soon as I get home." "That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse....cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of it right away! "
Later that day, Amantha is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. " Well , what exactly did he say?" "He said the reflector is broken." "I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"
" I'm not sure, Jacob....something about the emergency brake..."
The pizza-diet
A man returns from a trip abroad and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the Hospital to undergo tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital as the phone by his bed rings. " This is your doctor. We have the results back from your tests and found you have a condition known as "G.A.S.H." It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes! "
"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "Dr. Diamond! What are you going to do?" "We' re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes and pita bread."" Will that cure me?" asked the man.
The doctor replied: " Well no, but.... it's the only food we can get under the door."
King arthur's court
King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt...except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?" "Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected." After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop, their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad. "Sir Galahad' exclaimed King Arthur. 'My one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"
But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless...
Dearly departed
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter...Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said: "You know that fur coat you promised Me Irving?" She answered by saying: "I bought it with the insurance money!" She then said: "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?"
She answered again saying: "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said: "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes..."
Last rites
A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says: "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited." The groom replies: "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
Now - the bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this and says: "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited." The bride replies "I have just given the last blow job of my entire life."
Out of babes
This little kid walks in on his parents having sex and says: "What are you doing?" His mom says: "Your dad is too fat, I'm letting the air out of him." "Why," said the little kid," the lady next door is just going to blow him up again."
The sandwich shop
A bloke walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.
Checking his wallet for the necessary funds, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she answers with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am." The man replies "Well wash your bloody hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
How cheap are you?
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies. While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices." The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said: "Here's a ten spot. Go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers."
Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I cannot afford to buy undergarments." With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said: "Here's a five spot. Go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."
Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate husband was the same as the others. Simply a lack of allowance. The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said: "Here's a comb. At least you can tidy yourself up a bit."
The british army
Back in the days of the glorious British Empire, a young officer arrived at his first posting, the command of a tiny fort in the middle of the desert, twenty miles from the nearest town. His new second-in-command is showing him around the base, when just outside the fort's walls they come across a decrepit, flea-ridden old camel. 'What's this blooming' camel for?' asked the officer? 'Well, sir,' his second-in-command replied, 'the troops, stuck out here in the desert for months at a time, have certain.. er.. manly needs, from time to time. And when they need to do something about them, they use old Deirdre the camel here'. The officer, rather embarrassed, says nothing, and continues with the tour.
A few months go by, and the officer is beginning to feel those 'manly needs' himself. So he calls his number two and says: 'I feel I may.. um.. require the services of Deirdre the camel tonight. Tell me, when the men..um.. use her, do they have her bathed first?' 'Yes, sir'. 'Well then, see to it that she is bathed'. 'They also have her flea-powdered, first, sir'. 'Very good, see that that is done, too. And I couldn't help but notice that she is a rather tall animal. Tell me, do the men use a ladder when they, um.. mount her?' 'Yes sir, always'. 'Very well, see to it that a ladder is provided'. 'Very good sir. She'll be prepared for you within the hour.'
After an hour, the officer is escorted to the side of the fort, where Deirdre waits, powdered, washed and with a ladder by her side. The officer moves the ladder to the back of the animal, climbs it, drops his pants and begins furiously ramming into the backside of the animal. He motions to his second-in-command: 'Tell me, is this how the men do it?' 'Well, no sir, they normally ride the camel to the nearest town and pay for a prostitute, sir'.
Sex deprivation
Three couples applied for membership to a new church, the pastor explained: "First you must show your devotion to god by remaining celibate for three weeks." The couples agreed that was not too much to ask, and went on their way. Three weeks later the couples returned. The pastor asked the first couple of their experience, to which they replied: "The first week was most challenging, but with gods help, the remaining two weeks were quite insightful." "Bless you my children," the pastor replied with an approving smile, "and welcome to our congregation."
The pastor then looked to the second couple and asked if they had grown from their experience as well. To which they replied: "Well the first two weeks were sort-of touch and go, if you know what I mean, but we figured it was for a good cause and all.. so we finally made it." The pastor then looked upon the third couple with great expectation and asked them the same question.
"Not so good," the man answered ashamed of himself, "The first coupla-days went okay, but when I saw my wife bend over to get in the refrigerator.. well.. I just kinda lost it." The pastor's look became very disapproving. "I'm afraid you will not be allowed to join our church." "That's okay," the man said sheepishly, "They wont let us in WalMart anymore either."
Elevator conversation
A guy and a gal meet in an elevator. The guy asks: "Which floor?" The gal says: "Third floor." The guy reads the list of offices on the wall and says: "Oh, going to give blood, I see." She says: "Yup, it's worth $30.00. Which floor are you going to?" He replies: "Sixth." She says: "Oh, that's the sperm bank!" He nods and says: "Right! and it's worth $60.00!"
A couple of weeks later, the same two meet in the elevator again. The guy says: "Third floor again?" The gal, mouth tightly closed, cheeks puffed out, shakes her head and holds up 6 fingers.
Cold hands
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says: "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says: "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again: "Man! My hands are really freezing!" She says again: "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says: "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"
She looks at him and says: "For crying out loud, don't your *ears* ever get cold?"
The doctor
A doctor had just finished a marathon shagging session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients. However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients so its not like you're the first..."
This made the doctor feel a bit better until another voice in his head said: "but they probably weren't vets".
Drug trial
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said: "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday." Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one: "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this and told them this big circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs". "That's admirable," said the judge.
"And you, how did you do?", the judge asked the second boy. "Well, your honor, I persuaded 150 people to give up drugs forever." "One-hundred-fifty people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar approach. I said: "This small circle is your asshole before prison...."
The way you are thinking
Little Jonny was sitting in class doing maths problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Jonny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Jonny, "because the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."
Little Jonny says: "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, and one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone, and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Jonny. "The one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."
Golf lessons
One afternoon a man and his wife had just finished possibly the worst round of golf they'd ever played. In order to remedy their golf woes, they decided to schedule some lessons with the resident pro. Unfortunately the pair's schedules did not allow them to schedule their first lessons together, so the husband signed up for a Tuesday afternoon slot, and the wife, for one the next day. Tuesday arrived, and the husband walked out to the first tee with the golf pro.
The pro, having never seen the husband's swing before, asked him to tee one up and fire away. The husband did as he was instructed and, as per his norm, sliced deep into the adjacent woods. The pro remarked: "Well, Tom, I can see a number of problems, but the most obvious is that you hold the club way too hard. Loosen up on the grip as you would if you were holding your wife's breasts." The husband, seeing the value in such advice, gripped the club much more gently and teed off and hit one long and straight down the fairway. He went on to shoot one of the better rounds of his life.
The next day, the wife arrived for her lesson. The golf pro asked to see her swing, and she too sliced, not quite as deep, but into the same woods her husband had the previous day. The pro said: "Marilyn, you and your husband have the same problem. You both hold the club too firmly. I want you to loosen your grip-as if you were holding your husband's penis." Marilyn shrugged, and gripped the club as she typically held her husband's penis, and hit the ball a few feet off the tee. As it rolled and came to a stop a mere six feet from the tee, the golf pro half-chuckled and said: "Well, now, that's just fine, but let's try holding the club in your hands, and not in your mouth this time."
Stuck up a tree
This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one. "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the man's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions:
"Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him." The man asks: "What do I do with the shotgun?" The service guy replies: "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."
Fishing
This guy was having his best day ever fishing the Mississippi on the Minnesota side. He catches his limit and gets ready to go. On the way out this federal DNR officer stops him. To verify everything is legal, he takes one of the fish, shoves his pinky in its asshole, pulls it out and smells it. He says: "Boy- this fish comes from the Minnesota side of the River. You got a Minnesota license?" The fisherman generates one and is allowed to leave.
The next week, he's on the Wisconsin side of the river and has incredible luck. The same federal officer shows up and gives his fish the same finger-in-the-fish pooper test. This time he asks for a Wisconsin license which the man gladly generates. As the lucky fisherman is leaving the Federal DNR officer asks: "boy- you're a pretty good fisherman. Where you from???"
The lucky fisherman drops his pants, bends over and says.. "Find out for yourself............."
How babies are made
A Young mother was once again pregnant and trying to explain to her little girl how she had got that way. She explained how a baby was growing in her tummy, and how it took and egg and a sperm. Daddy made the sperm, and mommy made the egg.
So the little girl asks: "So if it takes a sperm and an egg to make a baby, and the egg is already in your tummy, then how does the sperm get in there. Does mommy swallow it?" Her mother replies. "She does if she wants a new cocktail dress."
The motor cyclist
Steve is shopping for a motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him: "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams: "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!"
Supermann and wonder woman
Superman wakes up one day and realizes that he has done everything he could done in Metropolis and he was totally bored. He flies away in search of something to do. Pretty soon he comes across Batman swinging across a few skyscrapers. Superman yells down: "Hey Batman, got anything I can help you with?" Batman shouts back up: "No, Superman. I've got everything under control." Superman continues onward. Eventually he flies over the ocean and looks down at Aquaman. Superman yells: "Hey Aquaman, gimme something to do!" Aquaman looks up and yells back: "sorry Superman, there's nothing for you to do here."
Superman by this point is totally exasperated. He starts to fly back to Metropolis when he all of a sudden sees Wonder Woman lying nude on the beach. "Yes!" thinks Superman. "If I zoom down and do her really quick like only I can do, she'll never know what hit her!" Superman swoops out of the sky, does his thing in about 5 seconds flat, and flies away before he gets caught.
Wonder Woman opens her eyes with a shock and says in surprise: "What was that all about?" Then the Invisible Man rolls off of her and says: "I don't know, but my arse is killing me."
Cojones
An American tourist went into a restaurant in Mexico for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained. "Sir, these are the cojones," the waiter replied.
"The what, you say?" exclaimed the tourist. "They are testicles of the bull killed in the ring today," explained the waiter. The tourist gulped but tasted the dish anyway, and found it delicious. Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter: "Today's cojones are much smaller than the ones I had yesterday." "True, sir," said the waiter, "you see the bull, he does not always lose.."
Horsepower
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said: "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said: "Grab for my penis and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
THE MORAL: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
The golf ball and the cow
A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend. After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened.
He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his. A woman came out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball. The helpful male golfer lifted the cow's tail and asked: "Does this look like yours?" That was the last thing he could remember.
The sleeping man in the church and the pin
A man who went to Church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hat pin along to poke him with it every time he would doze off. As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out "... and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th?" she poked her husband, who came flying out of the pew and screamed "Good God all mighty".
The minister said "That's right, that's right" and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath, and later began to doze off again when the minister got to "... and who died on the cross to save us from our sins?" The wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted "Jesus Christ".
The Minister said "That's right, that's Right" and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to "... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child?" the wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said "If you stick that damn thing in me again I'll break it off".
The blonde woman and the farmer's boys
A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, shehappens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him: "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?" "Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke." She looks through the screen door and sees two young men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay," she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to think about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says: "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?" They say: "Huh?" She says: "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch,rocking back and forth. Jed says: "Luke?" Luke says: "Yeah, Jed?" Jed says: "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?" "Yeah," says Luke, "I remember." "Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed. "Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not." "Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."
What would you do if I died?
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?" "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?" "Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of couse not, dear" said the husband. "Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said. "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" "Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry." "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. "Yes" said the husband. "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause. "Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly." And would you let her wear my old clothes?" "I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband. "Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?" "Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do." "Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too." "Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She is left-handed."
The nasty man in the bank
An oily, disreputable looking fellow walks into a bank with a large sack on his back. Seeing an open teller, the man walks up to the young lady and places the sack on the counter."I want to open a fucking savings account!" the man grunts. "I am sorry sir, we prefer politer customers," she replied, offended."Okay, look I just wanna open a fucking banking account." "I'm sorry, but you just can't speak that way."
The supervisor, seeing the trouble went over to check on the situation. She got there and got the story from the teller. Trying another tack, she decided to handle the situation herself. "How can I help you?" she asked, all smiles."Listen, I would like to open a FUCKING savings account!" "I am sorry, but we do not deal with people who use vulgar language."
Finally, the bank manager came over to settle the matter."What is the matter here?" he asked. "Look," replied the customer, "I just won 47 million dollars in the lottery and I wanted to open a fucking savings account to deposit all the cash in." "I see," says the manager, "and these bitches are giving you a hard time?"
Beer contains female hormones
Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned.
The genie who was hard of hearing
A man walks into a bar with a large suitcase in one on hand. Tossing it casually up on the bar, he orders a beer. "What have you got there?" The bartender asks. The man gives him a mean look, opens the suitcase, and pulls out out a tiny replica of a piano. He places it on the bar in front of the bartender. "Well, that's interesting," the bartender says. "You haven't seen it all." The man snaps, turning back to the suitcase. "Come on, Joe." Out of the suitcase climbs a little man only about a foot tall, who proceeds to sit down at the piano and play several pieces by Chopin flawlessly. The bartender is very much impressed.
"My god!" he says. "Where did you find him??" "Well, I was walking along the beach one day," the man says, as the little man climbs back into the suitcase, "and I came across this really old bottle. So I opened it up. There was a genie inside, and she gave me one wish." "And that was your wish?" The bartender asks incredulously, pointing to the piano. "No," the man said. "The genie had been in that bottle for so long she had become hard of hearing. So I didn't get my real wish. And now, for the rest of my life, I'm stuck with this twelve inch pianist."
Owing 200 bucks
Sulkie goes over to his friends house, rings the bell, the wife answers. " Hi, is Gus home?" " No he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" " No come in." They sit down and the friend says "You know Debby, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Debby thinks about this for a second an figures what the hell - a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws $100 on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Sulkie says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see both of them together." Debby thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Sulkie a nice long look. Sulkie thanks her and throws another $100 on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Gus and leaves.
A while later Gus arrives home and his wife says "You know your weird friend Sulkie came over. " Gus thinks about this for a second and says "Yeah, he is a bit." "By the way, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
Blood for a rich arab
In the Tel-Aviv hospital where he works, David is once asked by his manager if he would accept to give an important quantity of his blood (of a rare type) to save a rich Arab sheik from death. The boss adds that the guy could reward him quite well. David asks a day to think about it. Of course saving a life and being rewarded is nice, but the guy being Arab, is he supposed to do it or not? So David goes to the Rabbi and asks his advice. Rabbi says that whoever the guy is, saving a life is certainly recommended, and the fact that he is Arab doesn't count. So David accepts and gives his blood.
Three months later on a weekend, a guy rings his home bell, just gives him a key and leaves. David looks at the key where it says "Cadillac" and at the same time sees a fantastic limo in front of his house... Before the evening he also realizes that the trunk is filled with golden bars...
Life goes on and one year later David is asked the same thing again, for the exact same guy... Well, this time he asks no question but immediately accepts. And six months later, as he hasn't received a reward yet, he goes to the Rabbi and asks him if he did well and what could have been wrong, why didn't he receive no reward this time? Rabbi thinks for a while and finally answers: "Well David, I think after all the blood you gave him, he's already a bit Jewish now...!"
Signs in the nudist club
A guy applied to join a nudist club. "Exactly what do you do here?" he asked. "It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "We take off all our clothes and commune with nature." "Cool," said the guy,"...count me in!!!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read: "Beware of Gays." A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing "Beware of Gays."
He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said: "Sorry,... You've had two warnings!"
The tourist from Albegestan
A tourist from Albegestan goes on his first overseas trip. Upon arriving, he is visibly puzzled filling his visa application. The border official looks over his shoulder, and sees the tourist trying to write 'Twice a week' into the small space labeled 'SEX'.
The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'." "Doesn't matter," the tourist answers.
The successful sons
Four Jewish Men go golfing, the first man says that he will pick up the green fees and meet the rest of them at the first hole. Down at the first hole one man speaks up and says: "My son is so rich and so successful, as a new home builder that he gave a friend a new home for free". The second man, not to be outdone said: "My son is a multi line car dealer he is so rich and so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillac's for free." The third man said: "My son is in the stock market, he is so rich that he supplied a friend of his a whole stock portfolio for free."
The fourth man returns from paying the green fee's, and the first man said "We are talking about our boys, how's yours doing?" "Not so well I afraid, turns out he's gay, However, he must be good, his last three boyfriends gave him a house, 2 cars and a stock portfolio."
The 50 year old
A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks: "What are you doing?" She replies: "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old."
The husband retorts: "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?" She replied: "Frankly dear, your name never came up."
Medical Terms
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said: " Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
The hard worker
Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says: "Hey, Dave, how ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says: "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser". "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them." A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "want your usual table dance?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says: "Looks like you picked up a real nag tonight, Dave."
The trooper
Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks! him in the head with the stick. The driver says: "Why'd you do that?" The trooper says: "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready." Driver says: "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here." The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean.
He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick. The passenger says: "What'd you do that for?" The trooper says: "Just making your wishes come true." The passenger says: "Huh?" The trooper says: "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that cop would've tried that shit with me."
Two great gifts
One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news and some bad news." God said. Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied: "Please give me the good news first. "Smiling, God explained: "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed: "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow: "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."
The technique
Leaving the poker party late, as usual, two friends compared notes. "I can never fool my wife." the first complained. "I turn off the car's engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes, sneak upstairs, and undress in the bathroom. But she always wakes up and yells at me for being out so late and leaving her alone."
"You got the wrong technique my friend," his buddy replied. "I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my hand on her ass and say 'How about a little?' She always pretends to be asleep."
And god created women
At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said: "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded: "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going have a wife."
Milking the cow
A town in Russia had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, --- they got the cow from Minsk. It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again. So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.
Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise. They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?" The Rabbi thought a moment and asked: "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?" "Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?" The Rabbi said sadly: "My wife is from Minsk."
New orleans funeral
All his life Harry wanted to visit New Orleans, but each time he pleaded his case, his wife refused. Theirs was not the happiest of marriages, and over the years, Harry grew tired of begging her. He finally decided to pack his things and go to New Orleans. Upon arrival, Harry became reborn, wandering the French Quarter, eating the Cajun food, listening to the sounds and seeing the sights. Sitting in a sidewalk cafe, having a beer, he watched a most unusual sight. A big black hearse, covered with flowers, slowly drove through the streets, followed by a well- dressed man and his St. Bernard, "Max". Behind the man and his dog, a single-file line of men formed a procession that went on for miles, seemingly endless.
Curiosity overcame Harry, for this custom was surely a part of New Orleans, and he had waited all his life to fully experience all of it. He approached the man and his dog, and politely asked the nature of this procession. It was explained that the hearse contained the mans' wife, and that Max had recently attacked and killed her. "I'm so sorry for you", said Harry, when he remembered his miserable wife back home. "When this is over, do you think I could borrow your dog?" "Sure, get in line", came the reply.
New job
A man comes home from work to find his wife standing on the porch with her bags packed and waiting on a cab. He asks "What do you have your bags packed for?" "I am going to the Strip club and sell what you been getting for free. I am gonna sell sex for $400 a pop!" she answered.
With that, the husband runs into the house and in a few minutes he comes back out with his luggage packed and ready to go. The wife asks "Where the hell you a going?" "I'm going out there with you to see how you are going to live on $800 a year!"
Female secrets
A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with. "Sir", she said, "I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone or I'll bust." She told him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant.
The man shared her enthusiasm as he shared his experience. He said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had layed eggs. He was so happy. He added: "But confidentially, I changed cocks." The newly pregnant woman responded: "Confidentially, me too."
The CIA test for assassins
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and said: "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they were down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said: "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
Only one wish
A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said: "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one." The man thought for a minute and said: "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So I wish for a road to be built from California to Hawaii."
The genie thought for a few minutes and said: "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask." The man thought for a minute and then told the genie: "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?" The genie considered for a few minutes and said: "So was that a two lane road or four?"
Feel like a woman
A passenger plane on a cross-country trip gets caught in a unexpectedly strong storm. The plane is buffeted by rain, hail and strong winds. The pilot deftly tries to navigate the plane through the ever-worsening conditions. The passengers are nervously consoling each other until they are startled by a large crash as lightening strikes the end of one of the wings. All the passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and they are all going to die.
As the screams subside but the fear does not, a young woman jumps up and exclaims: "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?!!" She sees a hand raise in the back, and a handsome, tall, muscular man smiles and starts to walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. Even in the poor illumination of the plane's emergency lights she can see the striations of his large, toned muscles. He stands in front of her, powerfully clutching the seat in front of hers for balance, hands her his shirt and says: "Here. Iron this."
Adam's choice
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely." "Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you." "What's a 'woman', Lord?" "This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice. "Sounds great."
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam." "How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies. "She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle." Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks the Lord: "Uh, what can I get for a rib?"
Wedding traditions
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother: "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said: "So why is the groom wearing black?"
A good salesman
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him: "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said: "You can start tomorrow and I'll come see you when we close up." The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked: "How many sales did you make today?" "One" said the young salesman. "Only one?," blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?" "Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man. "How did you manage that?" Asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment. "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?" "No," answered the salesman, "he came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him: "Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing."
The price of a wife
A man is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks: "Hey Bob! Whatcha get the case of beer for?" "I got it for my wife." answers Bob. "Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."
Dad and the maid
Little Johnny came home early from school and started calling his mother with no answer. He finally went up stairs and saw the bedroom door was open a little. When he peered in, he saw his dad on the bed with the maid so he quietly went outside and waited for his mother. When she showed up with some groceries, he said "Mommy, Mommy guess what I saw? I saw daddy upstairs on the bed with the maid and they were......." and his Mother said: "Stop right there, Johnny". Wait until supper tonight when the maid is serving the meal. When I wink at you, then tell me the story."
At supper when all were seated and being served by the maid, she winked and Johnny began again. "Mommy, when I got home from school early today, I was looking for you and saw daddy on the bed with the maid. They were doing the same thing that I saw you and Uncle Phil doing at the cottage last summer."
Reliving old times
A husband and wife are out for a drive through the countryside. They reach a familiar spot and the wife says: "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago!" The husband stops the car. His wife backs against the fence, and he immediately jumps her like a bass on a June bug. They make love like never before. She was SCREAMING and GYRATING and SHAKING uncontrollably;
and when it was over, much to her husband's surprise, she FAINTED! After he revived her and got her back into the car, the husband, quite astounded says:
"Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty years ago--or ANYTIME SINCE that I can remember." The woman, gasping for breath, finally able to speak, says: " FORTY YEARS AGO THAT DARN FENCE WASN'T ELECTRIFIED!"
Their first night together
On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple go to get changed. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says: "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My word, you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled, she asks: "My picture?" He answers: "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever." She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks: "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims: "Oh, oh, oh my, let me get a picture." He beams and asks: "Why?" She answers: "So I can get it enlarged."
Wedding vows
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and ' forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged.
When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice: "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal." The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back: "She made me a much better offer."
Sweet measures
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer", the man replies.
Everybody dies
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says: "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said: "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" And the man replied: "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
Speak slowly
These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. First guy asks the second guy: "How have things been going?" The second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy: "I was almost married." The first guy says in amazement "Hey! you don't stutter any more." The answer comes: "Yes I went to a doctor and he told me that If I speak slowly I wiIll not stutter." The first friend congratulates him and then asks again about the ex-stutterer saying he "was almost married".
"Well, my fiancee and I were sitting on her porch and the dog was scratching his back and I told her that when we are married she can do that for me and she threw the ring in my face." "Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?", asks the first friend. "Well I speak so slowly, that by the time she looked at the dog, he was licking his scrotum."
Fight with the wife
Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender: "Pour me a stiff one, Joe Bob. I just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah," said Joe Bob. "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Harvey replied. "She came to me on her hands and knees." "Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say"?"She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!"
The last night
A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill. The doctor says: "You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening." The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well. "Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember," she says. "I am going to treat you like a king."
She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works. After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen. She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise. Well, the husband is wide awake watching the clock. He knows that he is doomed. He taps her..."Honey?" he whispers. She rolls over and again proceed to make love.
Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband's dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore. Well, the man decides to tap her again. "Honey?" he whispers. She rolls over and yells: "Oh sure! You don't have to get up in the morning!!!"
Old things
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.
Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' "And so, here we are!"
Big word
This couple had a wonderful relationship, or so the man thought until one day he came home from work to find his girlfriend packing. He asked her why she was packing, and she replied that she had heard some horrible things about him.
He asked: "What could you have possibly heard about me to make you want to move out?" "Someone told me that you were a pedophile." He replied: "That's an awfully big word for a ten year old."
Only 30 times left
A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says: "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out; you only have 30 erections left in your penis."
The man walks home deeply depressed; his wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him. She says: "Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that; we should make a list!" He replies: "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, but your name isn't on it."
Benefits of age
An 85 year old man marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate suites. She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After the festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting. Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.
After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there the old guy is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to sleep for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more. Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they're lying in afterglow the young bride says to him: "I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one." The old guy looks puzzled and turns to her and says: "Was I already here?
Old age divorce
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:
Dear Wife: I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary. When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:
Dear Husband: I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.
How to know you're dating a consultant
- Referred to the first month of your relationship as a "preliminary assessment period."
- Talks to the waiter about process flows when dinner arrives late
- Takes a half-day at the office on Sunday because "Sunday is your day."
- Congratulates your parents for successful value creation
- Tries to call room service from the bedroom at home
- Ends any argument by saying: "Let's talk about this off-line."
- Celebrates anniversary by conducting a performance review
- Can't be trusted with the car--too accustomed to beating up rentals
- Valentines Day card has bullet points
- Refers to lovemaking as a "win-win-situation"
Ask your mother
A mother and her son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to Chicago. The son, who had been looking out the window turned to his mother and said: "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The father (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask his mother.
So the boy asked his mother : "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" His Mother asked: "Did your father tell you to ask me?" He said that he had. So she said: "Tell your father that Southwest always pulls out on time."
The chicken or the egg
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking put out. The egg mutters upset to no one in particular: "I guess we answered THAT question."
Ask before marriage
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said: "But we don't know anything about each other." He said: "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and laid down on the towel. She said: "That was incredible!" He said: "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and laid down on her towel hardly out of breath. He said: "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No," she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal...
Don't argue with the wife
A man and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife: "You aren't that good in bed either!" By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home.
After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?" "I was in bed." "What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?" "Getting a second opinion."
The modern boyfriend
A 65 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with a vibrator. "What on earth are you doing?!", asked the Mom. "Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married, so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head in disgust. A couple of days later, the father comes home from work. He also hears a strange noise coming from the bedroom. Upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?!", he asked. His daughter replied: "I already told Mom. I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.
One Sunday, the Mother came home to find her husband watching the Super Bowl. He had a beer in one hand, and the vibrator in the other hand. "Bloody Hell, what are you doing?" she cried. The husband replied "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the game with my son-in-law!"
From the mouths of babes
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could imagine. "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of Cherries, lemons, and mint but when the teacher had then put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children were stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time." Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted: "Spit 'em out you guys, they're assholes!"
In tune with the needs
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says: "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says: "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife: "We'll take all three of them." Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says: "But you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says: "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."
The husband says," No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the Husband says: "You must be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!
The repair man
A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the tv, eat dinner, and sit some more-would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit.
One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly: "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?" Her husband snarled: "What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa.
The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home, she said, very nicely: "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?" Once again, he growled: "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?"
The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said: "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?" And again was met with a snarl: "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?"
Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said: "Honey, I had the repairmen out today." He frowned: "Well, how much is that going to cost?" "Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them."
"Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" he asked. She smiled. "What do I look like? Betty Crocker?"
Two deaf people
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because they can't see each other using sign language). After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution. "Honey," she signs, "why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife: "Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time." "And if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis...fifty times"
Mother-in-law
There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny. The husband then donated some of his skin...however, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty. She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said: "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!" He replied: "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!"
Marriage truths
1. Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
2. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another: "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied: "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
3. Man is incomplete until he is married. then he is really finished.
4. A little boy asked his father: "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" and the father replied: "I don't know son, I'm still paying for it."
5. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.
6. Young son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in most countries, son."
7. Then there was a man who said: "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
8. A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.
9. When a newly married man looks happy we know why. When a TO-BE married man looks happy we ALL know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - We wonder WHY.
10. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.
11. After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband: "You know, I was a fool when I married you" and the husband replied: "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
12. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
13. A man inserted an "ad" in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
14. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
15. A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
16. A woman was telling her friend: "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him," asked the friend. Woman replied: "A multi-millionaire."
Tasmanian marriage
A Tasmanian man and his new bride were on their honeymoon. The husband jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready. The wife comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says: "Honey, I have something to tell you. I'm a virgin. "The man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top of his lungs. He heads straight to his fathers house.
When he gets there his father says,"Son, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be on your honeymoon." The son says,"Pa, my new wife told me a big secret of hers. She's a virgin." "Damn son. You did the right thing by leaving.... If she wasn't good enough for her own family, she sure as hell aint good enough for ours."
Condom Boxes
A father and his teenage son were in a Chemists, when the 13 year-old boy noticed boxes of condoms on a shelf. He asked his father why there were so many different sized boxes.
His father said: "Well son, you see that three pack, they're for when you reach 16 and are still at school. You have two for Friday night, and one for Saturday night.
The six pack's for when you leave school and start work. You have two for Friday night, two for Saturday night, and two for Sunday morning.
The 12 pack's for when you're married. You have one for: January, one for February, one for March, one for April..."!
Blonde escapees
There were these three women, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, that had just escaped from prison. There was a farm close to the prison and the three women headed for it to hide. So as the police were chasing them, they found a barn with three big flour sacks. Big enough for them to hide in, so they each got in a sack.
The police came around to search the barn, they were about to leave when one officer suggested that they check those three flour bags. A policemen went up to the first bag and kicked it, the brunette replied: "Bark, bark!". The policemen concluded that there were only dogs in this bag. He went to the second bag and kicked it and the redhead said: "Meow, meow!". The policemen concluded that there were only cats in this bag.
Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it and there was no sound at all, so he kicked it again, and the blonde said "Potatoes!"
Blonde swimmer
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race. The starter's gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out; 20 minutes later the blonde reaches the end and gets out. The judge says: "The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze goes to the blonde". The blonde says: "I don't want to be a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their arms."
Blonde passenger
A stewardess encountered a blonde sitting in the first class section with a business class ticket. She told her she would not be able to sit in that section and the blonde refused to move. She said: "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and you can't make me move." The stewardess went to the head steward who went to the lady and again asked her to move because she was sitting in the first class section and didn't belong there. Again the lady said: "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and you can't make me move." Finally, in exasperation they went to the pilot and explained the situation. He replied: "Oh, I can take care of that. My wife is a blonde."
He went back and whispered to the lady and she immediately got up and walked back to the business section. The others were curious as to why she responded so quickly for him and asked for an explanation. The pilot said: "Oh, it was simple. I just told her that the first class section wasn't going to New York.
Family death
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically: "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies..... "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day.....we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly states...... "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual...."if you need anything, just let me know."
Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking: "What's so bad now........ are you gonna be ok??" "No......" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!!"
The coke machine
A blonde is over at this Coke Machine putting fifty cents in, taking the coke, putting it in her pockets, throwing the quarters in, taking the coke, putting it in her pockets, throwing the quarters in, taking the Coke, putting it in her pockets. After a while she has a Coke in every pocket. She keeps going, stacking the Cokes around her on the floor.
Finally, the guy behind her, getting mad, asks her: "What Are You Doing?! She responds: "Duh, I'm winning."
51 days
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting: "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows."51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes: "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in: "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"
Blonde kidnapper
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him: "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying: "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said: "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
Busted blonde
Three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde worked together at an office. Every day they noticed that their boss, Ms. Taylor, left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that when their boss left, they would all leave early too. The next day, when their boss left, they did too. The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning. The Red Head went home to get in a quick workout before her dinner date. The Blonde went home, walked into her bedroom, and saw her husband in bed with her boss. So she shut the door and left.
The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head talked about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again. "No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught!"
Blonde pilots
A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this." After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said: "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."
The porch
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband: "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied: "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Redhead joke
What is the difference between a redhead and a computer? A redhead won't accept a three and a half inch floppy.
Locked out
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously: "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."
Sports car blonde
One sunny day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a red Mitsubishi 3000GT for speeding. He walked up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. Immediately, he was stunned by just how beautiful she was! Probably the most beautiful blonde he'd ever laid eyes on. I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am.... could I see your drivers license and registration please." "...What's a license...???" replied the blonde. Big blue eyes sweetly looking up at him. "Your drivers license is generally in a wallet", replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.
"Now may I see your registration?.." asked the cop. "Registration?..... What's that....?" asked the blonde. "It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop patiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "Thank you Ma'am. I'll be back in a minute..." said the cop and walked back to his patrol car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back; "Ummm....is this woman driving a red sports car?" "Yes...." replied the officer. "Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher. "Uh... yes" replied the cop. "Here's what you do...." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants..." "WHAT!!? I can't do that. Its..... inappropriate..." exclaimed the cop. "Trust me..... just do it...." said the dispatcher.
So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs..."Ohh no... not ANOTHER breathalyzer..."
Traffic stop
A state trooper pulls over a car driven by a young blonde woman.
Cop: "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway- why are you going so slow?" Blonde Woman: "Officer, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65." Cop: "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on! Blonde Woman: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."
At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the passengers are shaking and trembling. Cop: "Excuse me, Miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible." Blonde Woman: "Oh, we just got off of highway 119."
The hot date
A young man finally won a date with the blonde female that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool of the trade". But, the young man was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.
The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his johnson immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed: "So that's how you guys load those things!"
The blondes and the genie
There are three blondes standing on an island. Suddenly a genie appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish. The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a redhead and she swims off the island. The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a brunette. The brunette woman builds a boat and sails off the island. The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two.
The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.
Part 2
